dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
