Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Randomize
