omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
