Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
