Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
