Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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