Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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