I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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