you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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