Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
