she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
