If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I need a burrito and a hug.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Randomize
