you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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