I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
