The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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