Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
this hospital has no fireball
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
