my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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