Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
