He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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