Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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