No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
