"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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