Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
