I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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