I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
