Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
