do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
