Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
