i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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