gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
