the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
