If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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