please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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