My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
