I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
