he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This is classic penis vs brain.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
