If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
