I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
