Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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