How'd it feel making her break her religion?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
