I'm sorry my penis didn't work
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
