News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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