Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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