Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
