I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
