just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
