Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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