I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
worst night to have a conscience
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
