I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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