My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
