they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
