some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
